Game Recap: Mystery Men: The Return of the Space Hamster!


This is a recap of our regular Thursday night game at the Wayward Cafe on Greenwood in Seattle. This game was another in our series of Mystery Men inspired D-list supers. Much fun was had by all! 

To reduce the confusion, the Anchorman character can control electrical devices and is, himself, a camera and he is capable of broadcasting his voice, hearing, and vision over the airwaves. This recap is done in the style of a TV interview.

Characters: The Golem. Several hundred years old, Terry the Golem has seen more history than anyone living, and several undead, but is a pacifist at heart. His personality changes as he tries out new ones every so often. Was granted his freedom when the kabbalist who created him put in a scroll with the Hebrew word for “Freedom”.

Sledgehammer. Given name, Sledge Hammer. 24 years old and the son of Aman Hammer, millionaire own of Hammer Motors. Sledge skinned the kevlar out of hundreds of used tires to build his suit of armor, with strategic metal plates making it bullet proof. His weapons of choice are commercially available sledge hammers, along with his pride and joy, Junior, a replica maul. He rides a Harley Davidson, which he named “The Hog of Justice”.

The Paper Boy. A living paper golem, created when Shinto magicians assisting a Ninja clan tried to duplicate the creation of a clay golem. thus Origami was born. He can fold himself into any shape, up to twice his size, and not very dense, or one quarter his size, and very dense. He attacks by making paper cuts.

[Opening titles: Special Report on the Attack of the Space Hamster!]

[Various cut scenes of shots taken by various news cameras, cell phones, and amateur videographers.]

[Establishing shot of the Harbor City Irregulars’ HQ: The Citadel Of Justice. A dilapidated warehouse on the waterfront in the Velvet District.]

[Cut to the interior of the warehouse. The flying camera, controlled by Harvey Bryce, the Anchorman, does a flying pan shot, cutting to another camera under his control on a tripod.]

[Sitting on a couch are the two of the heroes that saved the city, Sledgehammer and The Paper Boy. Next to them in his specially reinforced chair, The Golem, who looks dashing in his smoking jacket and silk cravat.]

HB: “Welcome to this report on what happened last week here in Harbor City. As you all remember, a giant mechanical hamster attacked and damaged City Hall, only to be driven away by Sledgehammer,” [Camera fixes on his face as he mouths “Hi mom!”] “the Paper Boy,” [Camera fixes on the Origami man, who quickly folds his hands and spells out “だれでもこの辺に日本人を読むか”] “and the Golem.” [Terry smiles for the camera, letting a couple flames leak out the corner of his mouth.] “So gentlemen, Harbor City is in your debt once more. Especially to you Terry, this is what, the third or fourth time you’ve saved the city?”

terryThe Golem: “Well, I think its the fourth time I saved this fabulous city! Though, I must say that it is getting soooo tedious! I mean, well, you’d think this city would save itself this time or that any of this city’s so called super heroes would do the job. I mean, look at what the Raven is wearing! Honey, is everything you own in black and leather?”

HB: [A little bit shocked, but he quickly recovers.] Yes, and… Sledgehammer, what alerted you to the fact that this town was in danger?

Sledgehammer: “Duh! When a giant mecha-space hamster attacks City Hall, that’s a big clue. He even called us out over the radio and TV. I mean you’d have to live in a cave and not know what’s going on.”

HB: “Yes, but you and your, uh, team were quick to respond.”

sledgehammerSH: “Of course! Terr… I mean the Golem works out of his detective agency right across the street, along with the Gator and the L.E.M.U.R. While I patrol the city at night on my Hog of Justice! [He turns to the camera] And Mister Mayor Pennywise! When will I get that parking permit? Five bucks a night to park in front of the Citadel Of Justice isn’t right! And when will we get that fridge you promised us? How do you expect us to keep our beer and pizzas cold?”

HB: “Right… Paper Boy, you’re the newest member of this team, how did you come to be here?”

Paper Boy: [Flutters his hands, making Japanese sounding sounds, then folds his hands, spelling out “私は言っていることを理解しない。”]

OrigamiTG: “Well, he just mailed himself to me. From Japan no less. I was expecting some lacquered fans from Japan, and there he was, all folded up in an envelope. I thumb tacked him to the wall, but he then unfolded and ate a phonebook. See, you can see a page right there.”

SH: “He don’t speakee the Engrish. But I figured out a sign language to communicate with him.” [Sledgehammer makes various hand motions and gestures to Origami.]

PB: [Origami turns to the camera and folds the following message: “お願いします! 誰かは英語から日本語辞書を購入し、これらの馬鹿にこの本を与える!” There is a pleading look to the folds on his face.]

HB: [Camera focuses on him. He smiles weakly.] Here’s some footage that was caught on by a bystander of our heroes battling the giant mecha hamster…”

[A shaky camera image of the damaged City Hall. It focuses on the head of the mecha hamster, showing a paper airplane landing on the shoulder of the mecha, unfolding into a thin sheet and slipping into the mecha’s body through a chink in it’s armor. This is followed by the Golem leaping onto the shoulder of the mecha.]

[Cut to another camera that catches Sledgehammer boldly walking out in front of City Hall, carrying his primary weapon, Junior, a handmade maul weighing in at 20 pounds. He picks up a piece of concrete, tosses it in the air and uses his maul like a baseball bat, knocking the chunk of debris at the mecha hamster, dinging the paint. He then calls out when the mecha looks at him.]

SH: [barely audible] Hey Hamster, why don’t you fight me? Get out of that suit and let’s go at this, mano y space hamster!”

[The mecha replies by trying to smash Sledgehammer with its paw. He deftly deflects it with his maul. He then hauls off and hits the mecha’s paw, only scratching the surface. Then for some reason, the mecha tries to chew Sledgehammer, who bravely blocks the gnashing teeth as big him. He then swings his maul, hitting it in its mouth, chipping a tooth.]

SH: “Is that all you got? Bring it on!”

[Cut to the shaky camera focused on the Golem, pounding away on the head of the mecha. Suddenly, the mecha stands up and then rockets fire from his feet and tail region, sending the mecha up into the air. As it flies, it seems to lose control and crashes into the harbor. Sledgehammer is seen shaking his fist at the fleeing mecha, then jumping on his bike, the Hog of Justice, and heads down to the waterfront at 120 mph.]

[Cut to a shot from the WHRC newscopter, hovering over the wreckage of the mecha. Terry is seen jumping from the Harbor Queen casino boat onto the alien spaceship. He goes right through the hull into the interior. Then the camera catches Sledgehammer in a rowboat with an electric 1.5 hp motor, slowly heading for the wrecked spaceship in the harbor. He’s seen picking up a large white globe and hitting it like a baseball with a sledgehammer at another flying ball. The two balls connect and shatter, dropping the space hamster almost in the water. He was saved at the last minute by the Paper Boy, who folded himself into a soaring bird. Together they glided to the edge of the saucer, where they had another combat on it’s surface. The fight ends when the hamster is beaten by a a thousand paper cuts. He flops onto the hole in the hull and then fell into the ship. Quickly followed by the Paper Boy. Meanwhile, the Sledgehammer docked the Dinghy of Retribution at the dock used by the US Government researchers for their boats. With his golf bag full of sledgehammers, he calmly walks into the ship.]

HB: “The question that all of Harbor City wants to know is what happened inside the ship?”

PB: [Desperately folds the message: “私は日本に戻りたい。ただし、これらの愚か者はメールのエンベロプを持っていない。私はあなたの頼む! 誰かはこれらの愚か者からの私をレスキューする!”]

TG: “Take it easy Paper Boy! We know that you fought the Space Hamster hand to, uh, hand. But we’re a team and all had a hand in bring this menace down.”

PB: [Folds: “運命は私を憎む!” A paper tear folds down his face.]

SH: “<Expletive Deleted>, after we contacted the Harbor City Super Swat Team, the Golem pushed the OnStar button. That brought the alien kid here to find his hamster, the Mayor negotiated a deal with the kid’s father not to slag the city, and they hauled away the ship and the mecha back to their world. What’s more to say… other than, MISTER MAYOR! Why don’t you return my phone calls! I push the button on the Red Phone and I can only get your answering service! We matter! We are important! We deserve better treatment! We save this city’s <Expletive Deleted> every day! You’d think you’d issue me that <Expletive Deleted> parking pass just to stop me calling you!”

HB: [Camera focuses on the Anchorman. In the background, we see the Golem trying to restrain Sledgehammer, helped by the L.E.M.U.R., while Origami tries to commit seppaku with a letter opener and is restrained by Gator, who is in her human form.] “Thanks to you, the Harbor City Irregulars, Harbor City can rest easy tonight. This Harvey Dent for the WHRC Harbor City News. Good night.” 

[The lights dim, as we see the Anchorman help wrestle the letter opener away from Origami, who then folds himself into a buddha. Sledgehammer is threatening the Golem with a roofing hammer, which Terry takes away from him easily.]

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